A couple of years ago, I needed some domain names fast. I don’t know why I didn’t use my usual supplier, and I don’t know why I ended up dealing with a company that I already know to be completely and utterly corrupt, inept and hopeless – but it was only a couple of domains… what harm could it do?

Anyway, the projects in question were short-lived, and come renewal time, we didn’t need the domains anymore and set them to expire in 1and1′s archaic system. End of story, or so I thought. Fast forward, and now they’ve set some debt collection agent on my tail. I am utterly terrified:

On Tue, 14 Jun 2011 17:24:20 +0100, <Collections@arvato.co.uk> wrote:
> Dear James Sheridan,
>
> We have attempted to contact you prior to this email to discuss a matter
> of mutual importance.
>
> Could you please call us on 0870-125-8809 quoting your reference number
> 936000XXXXXX or alternatively, reply to this email acknowledging its
> receipt and provide us with a contact number so we may speak with you
> directly.

If this is concerning ’1and1 Internet Ltd’ please do note the following before contacting me:

1 / Communication with 1and1 or their partners, legal representatives and advisers is currently chargeable at £15 per telephone call, email or facsimile dealt with. Their current balance stands at £60 + VAT.

2 / Absolutely no payment will be forthcoming from myself as all the domains in question were cancelled. I have evidence in the form of confirmation emails from 1and1′s systems showing that these domains were cancelled.

3 / 1and1 have already tried to take payment for these domains, illegally and without my consent from a Paypal account. When this occurred, Paypal swiftly ruled in my favour and returned the money which 1and1 stole.

4 / 1and1 have been advised a number of times regarding this issue, but all advice appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

5 / Further pursuit of this matter will be regarded as harassment and a counter-claim for punitive damages, plus the accrued costs will be submitted. These costs already dwarf the amount 1and1 are contesting.

My telephone number is 07834 XXXXXX. Make my day.

–
James.

EDIT: He replied, again! Scroll down!

This morning, I received this in my email from a recruitment agency. I haven’t updated my CV in a while and haven’t been fishing actively for work as I’ve recently just extended my current contract, so this is an out-of-the-blue cold-call from an agency I’ve had no dealings with:

“Good day to you James

£35K Permanent PHP developer role!

Please see below details for an excellent role which has become available in Central London. You are among a very small group of erudite PHP developers which I have carefully selected for this role.
I am the sole agent responsible for locating a full time LAMP, PHP developer for a gambling/gaming client. The role is a mid-senior role. Successful candidates will be working in a structured team environment working toward a new website release at the end of this year. ….” yadda yadda yadda

I’ve put the eyebrow-raising bit in red …. reaaaaallly? So, I dropped the agent a quick, terse, reply:

“> Good day to you James £35K Permanent PHP developer role! Please
> see below details for an excellent role which has become available in
> Central London. You are among a very small group of erudite PHP
> developers which I have carefully selected for this role.

Hi Jerome,

I would suggest that you might wish to refine your selection
process, as I am – by no means – a PHP developer.

This ought to be clearly evident from any CV of mine for the past ten
years or so.

Regards,

James.”

His golden response:

“James,

I am sorry , you were one of 2589 emails that I sent out this morning.

Good day to you

Jerome”

Does anyone have a ‘facepalm’ jpg handy?

A rebuff:

“> I am sorry , you were one of 2589 emails that I sent out this morning.

Thankyou for confirming my suspicions of your rigorous and deliberate selection process.

‘carefully selected’ indeed!

Glad to know that Monarch Recruitment take such a well-measured and accurate approach to recruitment. Are your clients aware of this - scattergun – technique?”

Jerome’s sarcasm-laden reply:

“Happy New Year, you mistake what I was saying. I sifted through 2589
C.V’s this morning, emailing each candidate with a unique and bespoke
message.
Sorry for emailing you, it was a complete accident, indeed I was seeking
academic people for the role. Yours was a spurious addendum to my list
of people to whom I sent a missive.
Sorry

Many thanks”

So… I went into overdrive. Sorry. Ahem:

“> Happy New Year, you mistake what I was saying. I sifted through
> 2589 C.V’s this morning, emailing each candidate with a unique
> and bespoke message.

That’s quite an achievement Jerome – you managed to sift through over two and a half thousand CVs and hand-crafted each and every suitable candidate with a fawning email declaring their suitability for the position – and all before lunchtime! That is, actually, truly Herculean. Or bullshit. One or the other, anyway.

May it be remiss of me to suggest that what actually happened was that you studiously read your client’s job spec, saw the letters ‘PHP’ and typed them into whatever massive database it is that you have there and bulk emailed everyone who just happened to mention PHP in their CV with the same schlocky spiel, irrespective of their suitability for the role in question. Am I getting warm?

Does this approach often work?

> Sorry for emailing you, it was a complete accident, indeed I was
> seeking
> academic people for the role.

Indeed, it would be criminal for such a poorly educated misanthrope as
myself to be included in such company. Qualifications from a former
polytechnic, and not even a BA at that! How ever did I get by in this
field? It is indeed a mystery.

> Yours was a spurious addendum to my list
> of people to whom I sent a missive.
> Sorry

I am truly humbled. Maybe I may once again rub shoulders with these other esteemed 2588 people – I should be so lucky!”

Recruiters…. oy vey, as some religiously minded people might say.

Ray,

Happy New Year to you too, whoever the hell you are!

I don’t ever recall speaking to you, and I know that my memory is
somewhat hazy these days, but I’m sure I would have remembered had I
been talking about $/£/€10 million plus projects, as that certainly is
a shit lot of cashmoneys.

I’ve a great idea for a project – it could be some kind of container
for letters and numbers and names, where you could store a matrix of
people’s names, their phone numbers and email addresses, and when you
needed them, you could easily look them up. We could call it -
‘Address Book’. Gotta be worth £10m, easy, right?

What do you reckon?

James.
- Hide quoted text -

On 5 January 2011 00:19, Ray Garcia wrote:
> Jim
> Happy new year
> You mentioned a lender for 10mil plus projects. People are asking me what their terms are in a range.
> I have projects we just need to make them fit.
>
> Sincerely;
>
> Ray W Garcia
> President/CEO
> TROON Enterprises
> Phone: 480.626.4300
> Fax: 480.718.7817
> Direct: 480.797.9090

I’m thinking this might be the beginnings of a series…

Dear Hiten,

It is very kind for you to gift me this money, as, in these financially turbulent times, things are very tight indeed for a great many people, and your offer to furnish me with thirty seven shiny gold coins with the Queen's knapper on them is most unexpected and highly appreciated. I will be sure to raise a glass to you, the next time I'm at the bar.
Keep reading…

I regularly receive someone else’s email. Someone else with the same name as me. This irks me no end. Today, I finally found the real intended recipient’s email address. I sent him – well – forwarded him, an email:

Hi there James,

James Sheridan. No M.

A short weekend break to Prague.

A few piccies from this very ‘last minute’ gig which I attended thanks to Ryan and Tracey, jammily managing to bag tickets from the box office the day before the gig! They played Quadrophenia from start to finish – incredible gig. Seats were, as you can see from the photos, a bit odd! Very close to the stage, but kinda behind and above. Felt a little like being ‘backstage’!

My dog, Frodo, passed away early this morning. Farewell old chum.

Well, I had promised to take Aimee to the swimming baths this weekend, but Hollee thought it’d be a better idea to have a day out at a local country farm. Which would probably have been true – as Aimee loves seeing farm animals – but, to be completely blunt, Sacrewell Farm appears to be a complete and utter rip-off.

£5.50 per adult to enter, then another two lots of 50p for feed for the animals, which came in two seperate containers for different animals. They also said something about claiming Gift Aid on our admission – which would be fair enough, except they charged another £1 on the entry fee to do so. I’ve no idea how that works. I’ve no idea where the money goes, because it doesn’t appear to be on the animals or the upkeep of the farm. Their on-site conference centre appeared to be thriving though….

A far cry from the likes of Cannon Hall (£4 entry) and even Heeley City Farm (FREE!, but please do make a donation!) in Sheffield – both of which had many, many more animals and a lot more going on besides.

Nevertheless, Aimee really enjoyed it, what little animals there were.